| BBC... what is this shit? |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|03:09 pm] |
The BBC has a nice Have Your Say section where they can pose a question for reasoned and considered debate. Currently they have several running - the BA strike, airbrushing in adverts, when self-defence goes to far, should homosexuals face execution.
Wait.
What?
"Should homosexuals face execution?"
Why is this even a matter for debate? Why is it even considered an acceptable question to ask? Regardless of world politics, is this EVER a question that should be presented as something to be considered, reasoned, balanced? Is this ever a question where, by golly, we want to hear your opinion - kill the homos or not?
No matter what was happening in the world, there is no bloody way the BBC would have the question "Should black people face execution?"
No matter what laws were proposed in any country, the BBC wouldn't even consider asking "Should Jews face execution?"
Even at its most bigoted, the BBC would never ask readers to send in their opinions on whether we should kill muslims. They'd never ask us to send opinions on persecuting to death Asian people.
This is beyond outrageous. This is giving a level of legitimacy to the most toxic form of hate. This is presenting arguing whether we have the right to exist as a reasoned question - as a question for debate!
I have a right to LIVE damn it! I have a right NOT to be killed. We do not deserve being imprisoned and executed for daring to love, for existing! This is NOT a legitimate position. This is NOT a position for reasoned argument. This is WRONG and can you PLEASE stop sending the bloody message that our lives are worth shit, already!?
The complain form is here https://www.bbc.co.uk/complaints/forms/ please use it. Because this is beyond unacceptable |
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| Writer's Block: Go it alone |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|05:51 pm] |
Yes. I think it's a sad point in society that we normalise a particular way of being. We decide that being a certain way is appropriate and people who aren't that way are somehow deviant or less worthy than those who conform.
I think that definitely includes people who do not want (or cannot find) partners and people who do not want (or cannot have) children. They are seen as being wrong, selfish or otherwise not as worthy as people who procreate
And I think the holidays are even more pressurising because we do portray these holidays as a time for children (I'm ok, I have Beloved - :P) it's about the kids and apparently those of us without kids are missing out by not being woken up at 5:00am (hear that Beloved? We're supposed to MISS OUT on that) by kids who sling wrapping paper everywhere and make a ridiculous amount of noise before you've even had coffee
Since we are so deprived, I think we're entitled to drink more booze to make up for it. |
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| It’s important to remember how little our lives are valued |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|04:23 pm] |
To remind us why we fight and why we have to fight. To remind us that we are not safe. It’s important to remember that for so many our very lives and physical safety are worth nothing. It’s important to remember that when we’re pushing for gay rights we’re pushing for our very right to exist and exist as people.
Gay rights activist in Honduras assassinated in drive by shooting. A very brave man - he had been assaulted and persecuted before and now he is dead - at the age of 25. Sadly such violence in Honduras is horrendously common - there are places where our lives are worth less than nothing, where our deaths are celebrated and our pain considered laudable.
Speaking of which, 12 gay men face execution for homosexuality in Iran. 8 of them are teenagers. Kids. They’re killing kids for being gay. Gods preserve us from bigots who care so little for life. Such is how little our lives are valued. Uganda isn’t the only nation seeking to wipe us off the face of the world - not by a long shot.
And talking of Uganda. Many people breathed a sigh of relief that Uganda was dropping the death penalty clause for their horrendous homophobia bill. Don’t take your eyes away yet. That is in no way certain and the proposer of the bill and his supporters want to kill gays still. Don’t let one vague report counter the actuality of what is being pushed - they just want us to look away while they hide the bodies.
Sadly this is a problem that is spreading, Homophobia in government is increasing in Rwandar and there is talk of introducing a law criminalising homosexuality. In Nigeria, where homosexuality is already criminalised and faces brutally harsh punishment in the northern provinces, there is talk of expanding the persecution.
In South Africa (and elsewhere, so very sadly) Lesbians are being raped to ‘correct’ them so low are their bodies valued and so much are they hated that these repellent views are held.
Here we have our lives ended with little state intervention or actually by the state. Here we have a clear message of how little our lives are worth - and it is exacerbated by the world’s general indifference. There are no moves for sanctions or penalties for a nation that does or tries to massacre or torture us wholesale. Aid and trade does not stop just because it happens over the bloodied corpses of homosexuals. Relationships do not sour because of our spilled blood - our lives have no value to far too many.
And in no way is that limited to developing nations, though they may have the most repellent laws and consent to persecution on their books.
First - remember that homosexuality has only been decriminalised in the western world relatively recently. In the UK, we were criminalised in 1967. In parts of the US it was criminalised in some states as late as 2003. 2003 - think about that. And there are still people like this out there, among us I’ve just spent 2 weeks arguing with homophobes DEFENDING the Ugandan kill-gays bill. Don’t say it can’t happen here. Don’t say there aren’t people here that want this
In Utah a gay man was brutally and horrifically beaten to the point where he needed reconstructive surgery on his face by a gang of men. A gang of men attacked him because he was gay. The sentence? A year. This tells you how much gay lives are worth to that court.
In New York a gay man was beaten by bouncers for daring to dance with his partner. Apparently we’re forbidden to dance with our partners unless we’re in a gay bar.
Would you beat ANYONE over who they were dancing with? It takes so little for the homophobes to violently attack us.
In Texas an 18 year old gay men is kidnapped and sexually assaulted. The perpetrators are arrested (though oddly slowly) but the bail is set at a ridiculously low level.
In London, David Kilcullen has been found guilty of murdering one member of a gay couple and brutally assaulting the other. I will watch for his sentencing - but again we saw the damned gay panic defence raised in a court room. Again we had the idea that this could be a justification for violence against us and it wasn’t just laughed down, even if little credence was given to it.
To these people our lives are worth nothing. The sad thing is - I’m not entirely sure the powers that be disagree with them |
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| Some good news round ups |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|12:26 pm] |
Austria approved a bill to allow civil unions! It’s not perfect of course - and we should not settle or stop at cut-price almost marriages because that message is so destructive - but it’s a step forward.
Argentina’s woman of the year is a Trans woman congratulations Ms. Romero!
Despite some grossly homophobic campaign against her Annise Parker won the race to be mayor of Houston. Houston is now the largest US city with an openly gay mayor Double congratulations Ms. Parker.
Closer to home we have:
Lillian Ladele, the marriage registrar who wants to... uh, stop doing her job but still get paid has lost another appeal (of course, Christian organisations, full of love and money, are determined to keep funding her quest for bigotry, to deny GBLT people access to government services and to apply a religious test to government access). Thankfully, the courts are reluctant to agree that government employees should decide who has access to government services based on the prejudices of their religion - because that would be very very very very silly.
Fellow homophobe, Richard Leonard, has been evicted after making life hell for his neighbours with homophobic abuse. This is extremely important - such abuse is intolerable and unacceptable and we need to make that unequivocally clear. |
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| Rowan Williams, are you doing this on purpose? |
[Dec. 14th, 2009|01:52 pm] |
Because, y’know, I think you’re an intelligent man. I also think you’re an aware man. And when you were first chosen you were tipped to be liberal. I get that “liberal” from an organised religion point of view is certainly different from what I consider liberal, but I kind of hoped it would mean more than “yes you can toast marshmallows on the fires we use to burn people” liberal.
But he has finally spoken about the Uganda bill. FINALLY. As I said Here I’m not overly impressed by a condemnation that is so late in the day - but at least it’s something.
Except I cannot imagine him “condemning” this bill in a worst way. Seriously - it’s awful. It has multiple fails on multiple levels.
Let us look at it
Fail the First
It’s in the damn Telegraph. Yes, I know I know not everyone haters the paper as much as I do. But it’s a paper that, quite frankly, doesn’t give a damn about gay people in Uganda or anywhere. He may as well have spoken to the bloody Daily Mail. And if you actually go to the Torygraph’s website you’ll find his statement isn’t even on the first page (X factor? Yeah we have that. A bishop praising the Taliban, yeah we have that). It took me quite a while to find it - not helped by the fact that the title doesn’t even mention Uganda. But there’s a good reason for that.
Fail the Second
The title of the piece is: “Dr Rowan Williams: taking a break from Canterbury travails” What? This is him speaking out about a Ugandan genocide bill?
No, it isn’t. It’s a general interview. A very rambly, chatty interview. It starts by talking about the English countryside. Then we talk about *SHOCK* the Lesbian Bishop in the US, the Lambleth Conference and then FINALLY we get to Uganda and his statement which I’ll get to in a moment. Then we move on again.
So, his condemnation of Uganda? Is a paragraph, a brief reference, an aside in a long and rather tiresome interview.
Fail the Third - THE BIG ONE
Rowan Williams Statement. Let me quote it:
“Overall, the proposed legislation is of shocking severity and I can’t see how it could be supported by any Anglican who is committed to what the Communion has said in recent decades,” says Dr Williams. “Apart from invoking the death penalty, it makes pastoral care impossible – it seeks to turn pastors into informers.” He adds that the Anglican Church in Uganda opposes the death penalty but, tellingly, he notes that its archbishop, Henry Orombi, who boycotted the Lambeth Conference last year, “has not taken a position on this bill”.
The death penalty is a terrible thing and I fully agree with opposing it in all incidences. But is he saying that if the death penalty were removed and if religious leaders were immunity for the reporting clause then he’d be HAPPY with this law? Are these 2 REALLY the only parts of the law he has a problem with?
How about this “Criminalising homosexuality is WRONG!”? Hey, how’s that for a statement, Rowan? Not “the death penalty is wrong” (which I agree with) or “making it hard for religious leaders to tend their flocks is wrong.” How about a simple “punishing homosexuals is wrong.”? How about a simple “this entire law is wrong.”?
Because THIS statement makes me think you agree with it in principle - you just think it’s a little too harsh. I’m really feeling the Christian love. |
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| On dubious apologies and VERY late condemnation |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|07:38 pm] |
This is something that is bugging me a little but I want to make a full post on it so I’ll come back to it.
Pepsi has declared that they are shocked and appalled about the terrible homophobia and violence espoused by the bigot, the Beanie Man and they’d never ever have sponsored him if they had known and are Most Cross with their bottling partners who didn’t realise that it was homophobic.
Uh-huh. Yeah this is my “believe” face. Truly. Because I’m sure you OFTEN sponsor things without ANY idea what they are, right? (Sparky’s take: Pepsi didn’t really give a damn what their bottlers in Africa were doing and the bottlers in Africa saw this as been real popular in Uganda and didn’t realise lot’s of pissed of gay people would notice - so it was arse covering time!).
Rick Warren, the Catholic church (helllo, Archbishop of Canterbury? The freaking Catholic church beat you! Stop playing “more hateful than thou!” already) and the White House (What the hell? The Catholic Church and Rick freaking Warren beat you to the punch?! What’s up with that?) have all finally condemned Uganda
Yeah, again, really not impressed here. Sure, it’s good that they have condemned it (finally) and it’s certainly better than Rowan bloody Williams’ deciding to keep silence because he’s too busy getting huffy about a Lesbian bishop (which is TOTALLY more important than rounding up gay people en masse and killing them, totally).
But really, is this supposed to be believed to be sincere? Really? Because to me it looks like buckling in face of increasing, furious rage - it looks like back peddling, like arse covering, like a token PR gesture when you realised just how much it’s NOT just going to go away.
We’ve been talking about it for a long damn time in the face of the silence. What did you need that time for? Did you need thinking time? Was the act debateable to you? Were you unsure whether you’d be against it or not?
I’m glad they’ve condemned it. I’m ecstatic they’re piling on the pressure. I dearly hope that the pressure will be enough to stop this evil happening. I hope like hell we can avoid having another death penalty country added to this map. I hope there won’t be another country added to the list of those that LEGALLY kill homosexuals.
But the delay sent a message all of its own - and that worries me. That worries me a lot. |
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| I am a homophobe |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|07:32 pm] |
This piece originally appeared at Womanist Musings where Renee has very generously allowed my random musings to appear on her excellent blog
Ok blink, you read it right. No go back and read it again, trust me it’s not a typo. I am a homophobe.
Not something you usually expect someone to admit to. Far less a gay man. So let me explain myself before you all wonder if Sparky has started drinking early today.
It would be probably more accurate to say I have absorbed homophobia. I, like probably 99% of everyone reading this (and I only leave that 1% because I have a powerful dislike of certainty) grew up in a homophobic, hetero-normative society. My parents, my vast extended family, the media I consumed and consume, the books I read, the schools I attended, the college and university I went to, my work colleagues and bosses - in short everything around me for my entire life is hetero-normative and on some level rejects, diminishes and others homosexuality to varying degrees.
From the invisible, to the stereotyped, to the hateful venom, to the empty pity to the endless assumption that you are/will be/should be heterosexual we live in societies that are steeped in homophobia.
And that leaves a stain.
It has stained me. Some of the stain is from being homophobia’s victim. There are places I fear to go, people I avoid. Despite being out and proud, I still fear touching or hugging Beloved in public. At times in conversation I still use careful gender-neutral speech rather than out-right saying my partner is another man. I am harshly critical and angry with homosexuals who do ridiculous things or commit heinous crimes because I know I will be judged by their actions.
But homophobia itself has also stained me, not just living in the shadow of it. I have laughed at homophobic jokes before my brain caught up and replaced mirth with rage and hurt. I have pandered to stereotypes. I have played up to them. I even spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to follow stereotypes for fear I was Doing Gay Wrong. I make assumptions about my gay friends that I would slap people for if they assumed it about me (or at least give them a stern and long winded lecture. Trust me, the slap is more humane).
And the people who spend the most time with me are the same. The people who have taken the greatest pains not to exclude me, not to hurt me and generally not whack me round the head with their straight privilege - still do so on a depressing number of occasions. Friends and certainly family (my parents alone have filled up stacks of bingo cards - and many a sleepless night of pain and sadness) have all taken their turns bludgeoning me with privilege, thoughtlessness and homophobia
My point?
After much rambling, my point is - the chances are you’re stained by homophobia too. I know the instinct is to deny that - I do the same thing. Some people complain about those sensitive gay folks (or women or black folks or any other marginalised body for that matter) who are seeing homophobia/sexism/racism/etc everywhere. They don’t realise that we see it everywhere because it IS EVERYWHERE. Even on ourselves.
Denying it won’t fix it. We all carry the stains our society leaves upon us.
Some of it is our privileges - enjoying a world that is tailored to us in so many ways we don’t even notice or realise how much things are designed for us. Or the ways it is NOT designed for those that do not share our privilege.
Some of it is normative behaviour - we assume that a certain state of being is the norm - whether it’s cisgendered or able bodied or heterosexual or the thousand other normative assumptions we make. We assume and impose a norm that excludes those that don’t fit it.
And some of it is active harm. Intentional or otherwise, it’s behaviour that hurts and devalues people. It doesn’t just cast them as other (though that is bad in itself), it casts them as LESS.
These are the stains society leaves - stains we all carry - even those that are harmed by them. It’s tempting to say “but not me.” It’s much easier to say “I’m gay! How can anything I do be homophobic?” or “I’m an ally! Of course I’m not homophobic!”. But if we look in the mirror we all know there have been times - and will be times - when our own stains are showing.
And we need to recognise that.
We need to recognise the times when we hurt people and work to change our behaviour, school our language, challenge our assumptions that are so deeply ingrained - otherwise we just add to that stain and ensure the next generation will carry its smut.
We need to recognise that we WILL show that stain from time to time - and when people correct us they’re trying to help us wash it out. That there’s no need or call for anger and defensiveness.
And we need to recognise that others will show their stain - and that doesn’t mean they’re a die-hard spreader of hatred and filth (though they may be - and if they are it‘s time to start scrubbing, because there are some vile people out there that will never come clean) but nor does it mean we can let them spread the stain of prejudice without challenging them.
In the end, my point (rather rambly and severely strained under the creaking weight of a rather rusty metaphor) is that prejudice is EVERYWHERE - and so the fight to remove it has to happen everywhere - sometimes even our own heads. |
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| My annual card rant |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|01:08 pm] |
I say it every year, but it's always best to repeat it.
I don't do Holiday cards. Actually, I don't do cards of any kind. I don't send them, I don't return them and I'd prefer not to receive them, to tell the truth (not that I'd throw them back in your face or anything, obviously). The only cards I send are to some rather dessicated relatives who would be SHOCKED and APPALLED if I did otherwise.
I understand cards - or what cards were. Cards were nice little letters you sent people you didn't see very often to remind them that you still considered them a friend and still thought of them. They were a way to keep in touch - especially at a time when telephone usage was not unduly common.
Now we have the internet. I'm in touch with absolutely everyone I want to be in touch with (and a fair few others at that - family should not share my email!) If I have fallen out of touch with old school friends or whatever, there's a REASON.
I find it ridiculous to send a card to someone to wish them a Happy Holiday when I see them on a weekly basis, communicate with them several times a week or even share the same house with them (Beloved, you can stop your pouting right now). It'd be like sending them a letter - very very silly.
Furthermore, the waste of the whole greetings card system appalls me. Most of them are GROSSLY overpriced - I'd much rather everyone send their card money to a deserving charity (like Médecins san frontières or Water Aid) than waste it on a lot of paper. Paper, which, of course, does NOTHING for our environment since even recycling it won't 100% make up for the vast number of trees we kill to send an empty message with all the true sincerity of an insurance agent.
So, I will not be sending cards this year, nor do I expect them. |
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| Beloved chose this timing on purpose, I'm sure |
[Dec. 9th, 2009|01:39 pm] |
Yes, it has been a while since we went out and did something.
Yes it would be nice to do so
No, we can't tonight. The new patch has been released. Yes that's important. Yes it is. Yes yes it is. No, really, it is.
I know the patch will be there tomorrow. So will you. Did you have a point?
No we can't go tomorrow, we may have to finish the raid then. Friday's good. I can squeeze you in on Friday.
No, you can't be spontaneous and romantic on patch day. Not even if it's special. Not even if it's a ticket to Paris (I hate Paris) or a round the world tour. OR anything. Not ev... ok, if you DO get Orlando Bloom tied to my bed I may reconsider.
I'm sure speculating about addiction is very profitable - but not on patch day. Not unless you want me to make a replica of Frostmourne and insert it somewhere
No, that wasn't an innuendo
Yes, it could be an innuendo but not on patch day.
No, you do not want me to choose between Arthas and you. No no you don't. |
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| The message of homophobia - killing gays is ok |
[Dec. 7th, 2009|02:54 pm] |
Beenie Man is a musician who sings about killing gay men in fairly graphic detail. Pepsi is sponsoring one of his concerts - in Uganda. A country that is, of course, planning the genocide of gay people. Yeah, this is my not amused face. I know what I’m not going to be drinking.
Buju Bantum is another musician. He likes to sing about “faggots” running, having to die, being shot or just being burned. He just got a Grammy nomination Don’t let a pesky thing like inciting murder get in the way guys, will you?
Eminem, not wanting to miss out on the gay bashing, decided to call ‘ Lance, Mr. Lambert and Aiken’ faggots. Oh, no, sorry, he really called them “fake-its.” No, really. And isn’t it funny how they’re all gay and it sounds so much like faggot when sung. Very clever, I’d applaud but if I move my hands they’re going to want to go round someone’s throat.
On the business side:
A McDonalds in Florida told a trans applicant that they ‘don’t hire faggots’. But, of course, the US govt doesn’t think employment discrimination for GBLT people is important.
That word is haunting me today. I’m getting sorely tired of reading it and hearing it. I must be due another round of straight people telling me that it’s not offensive.
On the religious side of the aisle - let us remember that Rowan Williams, spiritual leader of the global Anglican church decides to express his concern over the severe implications of... having a Lesbian Bishop. Genocide in Uganda? Still doesn’t give a damn. Nor does the Pope. Frankly it would be pointless for either of them to speak now - their silence for this long tells you how much they are worth and how much “love” their churches have,
I look at all these and, really, is it any wonder why homophobic violence is on the rise? I’ve said a thousand times before that the message we send about homophobia - how we consent to it, how we tolerate it, how we let it be part of acceptable discourse, how we react to homophobic comments - let’s it flourish and encourages it to grow. It is this encouragement and acceptance of homophobia, of the idea that gay people are less, that leads to homophobic violence. It doesn’t happen in a vaccuum.
But when I say that? I generally meant people saying things like “that’s gay” in a negative sense. Or making tasteless gay jokes. I didn’t mean it to apply to overtly calling for the deaths of homosexuals. I wasn’t referring to clear and unambiguous hate speech.
Because I didn’t think I’d need to. I thought that we KNEW that “faggot” was unacceptable. I thought we KNEW that killing gay people was wrong. I thought we KNEW that violence and persecution of homosexuals was wrong. I thought it didn’t need to be bloody said!
But then I look at this and wonder if we have even come that far. When musicians are hailed and AWARDED for lyrics that openly for us to be tortured and murdered. When they can slide in the word “faggot” without a raised eyebrow, let alone censure. When employers can refuse people and openly say “we don’t hire faggots.” When a country can plan OUTRIGHT GENOCIDE and nations and churches don’t deem it worthy of their attention, let alone condemnation?
Then we haven’t learned that lesson. And that worries me - because I’m desperately fighting against the message that I am less than a person. But so many people are still sending the message that I don’t deserve to live. And THAT message is still deemed acceptable.
I knew we had a long way to go. I didn’t realise it was this far. |
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| Uganda - another reason why I am worried |
[Dec. 6th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
The Uganda bill continues apace, stunning in its vileness.
Let me reiterate what this bill will do.
"Aggravated" Homosexuality (that is repeat offenders - had sex more than once, those with AIDS and other groups) will be executed. Hanged.
Homosexuality - life imprisonment.
Speaking in favour for or supporting homosexuality - 5 years.
Failing to report someone is homosexual within 24 hours - 3 years in prison.
If a Ugandan citizen has homosexual sex in another country - they can be extradited BACK to Uganda to be punished
Let's be clear. This is genocide. They are going to arrest all homosexuals and kill them. They will persecute and imprison people who protest, try to hide homosexuals or refuse to be part of it. This is nothing short of state-sponsored, legal genocide.
And it's not been treated as such.
Most of the media is ignoring it. (Though, again, a nod to Rachel Maddow Here is a great vid and another)
Some governments are condemning it (UK, Canada, much of the EU) but others are very weak on their disapproval (the US) and many more are silent. Only Sweden, that I can find, has declared there will be consequences for this genocidal law.
The Catholic church is silent about it - despite religion being the prime motivator of this evil and the main force behind it.
Rowan Williams is hedging around it. His office let it known he is privately upset about it but he's going to work covertly... really? (though he is quick to speak against a Lesbian Bishop. Seriously? Genocide makes him hem and haw - but a Lesbian Bishop is worth comment? Frankly, screw you too Anglican church. You've shown your worth here - more than. Enemy and evil, the Catholic church written small, but not really any less hateful. If this is Christian love I am ecstatic not to be a Christian.)
Let's be clear again here. State sponsored genocide is proposed and the general consensus is "tut tut how unfortunate" or less?
It worries me. The chances of me going to Uganda and falling foul of this bill are slim (but I grieve and rage for my brothers and sisters who will be caught in this slaughter). Uganda has been firmly on my list of countries I dare not visit for some time now. But it worries me to see how little we are valued. How unimportant this is to so much of the world. How much of the world is turning a blind eye or tacitly supporting us.
I knew that many hated us - but to see so many governments and powerful institutions utterly indifferent to something so grossly horrific - it scares me. It scares me how little they give a damn. It scares me that they can overlook or tacitly encourage this. It scares me that this message of ACCEPTABILITY or INDIFFERENCE is being broadcast worldwide. This is a global message of how little our lives matter on a scale that stuns me.
I knew they didn't give a damn about us. But you'd think genocide would be the limit. |
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| Why we can't always have a 'productive' conversation |
[Dec. 5th, 2009|06:30 pm] |
This piece originally appeared at Womanist Musings where Renee has very generously allowed my random musings to appear on her excellent blog
Why we can’t always have a ‘productive’ conversation
Today I had the oh-so-wonderful chance to have a long, detailed conversation with a clueless straight person about sexuality in general and male homosexuality in particular. Not malicious - but certainly ignorant, wallowing in privilege and approaching the conversation as mildly interesting gossip.
It started with a joke: “Age of consent is weird. At 16 now you can have a fag up the arse but not a fag in your mouth.” Yes. Amazingly enough I didn’t laugh. And the sad thing is this is actually not only about the 6th time I’ve heard this joke, it’s the 6th time someone has told me this joke, knowing I was gay, AND EXPECTING ME TO BE AMUSED.
It wasn’t a fun discussion. It was long, full of stereotypes, lots of ignorance and enough cringe worthy moments to make me feel down, tired and generally not a happy person. We had “gay” used as a negative descriptor (and a good 10 minutes of totally not getting why that bothered me), we had gay sex referred to as sickening, we had the oh-so-fun ‘you’ve never slept with a woman so you can’t KNOW you don’t like it,’ a couple of more “jokes” (“it’s funny so it’s not offensive.” Really? Because I’m not laughing and I am offended, so I guess you failed twice. Oh yes, do try again, I‘m sure all gay people love your attempts to find a homophobic joke that makes them laugh) and many of the standard fodder that makes me want to stab someone.
Yes, all very awkward and unpleasant and I’m not sure any of the conversation made any difference because there’s a difference between hearing and caring. But that’s not really the point here
The point is, I knew where this conversation was going within the first 10 minutes - gods, the first 5 minutes. The opening lines, even. I knew that I was heading into a long, unpleasant and awkward conversation that was likely going to throw a lot of straight privilege at me, push a lot of painful buttons and generally leave me frustrated, tired and feeling like shit. In short, within 5 minutes of the conversation starting I wanted it to end.
How do I know this? Because I’ve had exactly the same conversation and variations of this about a squillion times before. All completely unoriginal, all tiring, all painful and all immensely frustrating. And I’m quite sure over half have been utterly, completely pointless wastes of my energy and mental health.
My point?
My point is sometimes I can’t do it. And that’s a shame because, even if most failed, I know some of these conversations HAVE worked. I know some ignorant people who bought a clue, listened and did their best not to do it again. Yes, it can be productive. Yes it has worked. Yes calmly and reasonably answering all the ignorant questions you’ve answered a thousand times or politely objecting and explaining why something was offensive can and does work. It’s half the reason I ramble so much about sexuality on this LJ.
And sometimes I can’t do it. Sometimes I’m tired, I’m in a bad mood or I’m just sick to the back teeth of the whole damn hetero-normative world, it’s ignorance, it’s insensitivity and it’s endless reminders that I don’t belong. Sometimes I’m annoyed because it should be damned OBVIOUS why I don’t find that joke funny, or why I get angry at being called “fag.”
These conversations are painful and tiring and frustrating. They’re very personal (they can’t help but be), they force me to confront homophobia and homophobic ignorance head on. They force me to endure it and slog through it. They force me to be vulnerable. They force me to expose that vulnerability to someone who, at best, may clumsily trample all over me and at worst may deliberately do some stomping.
So my point again?
My point is I know I shouldn’t snap. I know I shouldn’t lose my temper. I know that I should have a productive conversation. Because it can be productive. It can be useful. I KNOW I do myself and all GBLT people out there a lot more good by calmly and patiently having the conversation.
And I think that applies to every marginalised person - regardless of their marginalisation.
We know that being clam, polite and gently correcting and explaining is the best
But we can’t always do that.
Because it hurts
Because we’re tired
Because we’ve spent countless hours doing exactly the same damn thing before.
Because we don’t have the time, energy or inclination to do so.
Because moving in a world that devalues you is hard enough without having to give a running commentary to clueless privileged people.
Because sometimes we’re angry or upset or hurt or offended or scared.
So my point again?
It’s not necessary to lecture me - or any minority for that matter - on the tone of our arguments, on our anger, on our snapped reply and furious rebuttal. You don’t have to tell us that a calmer response would be better. That we should answer those questions. That we should be more moderate, more calm, more reasoned and cold and logical and sensible.
You don’t have to tell us this. We know. But we can’t do it all the time and you can’t expect that of us. And if you do expect it - well, perhaps you don’t know how much it costs |
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| Growing up gay part # 3: the Battlescarred |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|09:13 pm] |
Back here I made a post about coming out gay. ![[info - personal]](http://s.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png) mjules made a good point about another category of GBLT people coming out other than experience/inexperienced I and Plaid Adder referred to.
I don’t know how to refer to them, there are few labels I can give that does not carry negative connotations that are underserved. “Angry” would be accurate - but it’s so habitual to demonise anger, even when it is reasonable. “Wounded” would also be accurate - but it suggests a level of victimhood that I am not happy with. The same applies to “hurt.” “Defensive” implies touchiness that is most unfair. Even "battle scarred" is not inappropriate - since very few of us have managed to live without physical, emotional or mental scars from homophobia. I am going to use “angry” because it has the least negatives, but I am not happy with it.
Sometimes, someone will come out to you and they don’t seem nervous or afraid - or experienced and casual. They seem hostile, angry, even belligerent. They seem ready for a fight.
And they are. Because we live in a world that is just too ready to fight us. Nearly all of us have been hurt at some time, some of us quite badly. And some of us have been hurt so often and so badly that we expect it and are ready for it. We’re ready for the argument, for the fight, for the condemnation and the attacks - because we’ve already faced so many.
And it can happen not just during coming out. Any discussion. We can go in ready for battle - we get angry because we know that there’s a good chance in the next few minutes we’re going to get damn good cause. We go in angry because we expect a battle, we expect we have to defend ourselves, we expect we’re going to be hurt.
And in some cases it’s the only way to come out/have the conversation in the first place. The risk of being hurt again, the worry about the consequences are so high that it’s only by psyching ourselves up in the first place that we’ll even speak. I’ve been there. I’ve dreaded a conversation, known that it’s going to hurt and known that I don’t want to do it, don’t have the energy for it and don’t have the mental strength for it. But I’ve done it by stoking up enough anger to get through that - to make it hurt less, to overcome the fear and to give me enough energy to broach it.
And in some cases anger is just unavoidable. When you’ve been hurt coming out before, when you’ve been hurt having a conversation before then you can’t enter the same territory without that anger coming back - because they have been given so many reasons to be angry before, the anger comes automatically.
So what does this mean for the incomer?
Or anyone else suddenly having a conversation about homosexuality/homophobia with a gay person who is seething quietly (or not so quietly?)
First of all - recognise where the anger is coming from. The anger is coming from pain - from a society that hurts us over and over and over again. It is not directed at you personally (though if you join society in adding to that pain, it might be), it’s a defence mechanism against what’s likely to come.
Secondly - don’t devalue that anger. They have a REASON to be angry. You can’t tell them to calm down or not be angry without diminishing the impact of homophobia. They are angry for a reason. They have a RIGHT to their anger. Diminishing or shaming that anger will not help.
Thirdly - don’t feed that anger. They are angry. They have a reason to be angry. Don’t be that reason. Don’t be the clueless fool with the homophobia, don’t decide to “love the sinner, hate the sin,” don’t decide it’s time for a gay joke or to express your disgust at gay sex - in other words, don’t do all the things that I and Plaid Adder have already said not to do with an inexperienced outcomer.
Because that’s a point here - just because someone is angry doesn’t mean they’re not vulnerable or you can’t hurt them - it means they’re hurting. If you add to that pain or remind them of it they will treat you with the withering contempt you deserve. They may storm off and tell you to go fuck yourself rather than dissolve into tears and retreat hurt if you slathering them in heterosexual privilege - but you’ll still hurt them and give them yet another reason to be angry.
So appropriate reactions? Really, I can sum this up with “don’t be an arsehole.” You won’t need to build them up, calm their insecurities or reassure them. But you need to avoid poking sore spots, you need not to be part of the many things that attack hurt and anger us. You need to not be identified as an enemy in a world that is so very hostile.
And don’t be taken aback by any deflation that happens then :) Sometimes you can be so psyched up for a fight, so ready for a fight, so ready to defend yourself, so ready to resist being hurt that when it DOESN’T emerge it seems rather anti-climactic. |
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| Uganda kill-gay bill - why the bloody silence?! |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|01:47 pm] |
I realise some people may not be aware so to remind people - Uganda is currently passing a law that grossly oppresses homosexuality. Homosexuals will be imprisoned for long terms - or executed. Anyone speaking in favour of homosexuals or “promoting” homosexuality can be imprisoned.
The sad thing is that some people may not be aware of this. I rather suspect most people aren’t.
See, I try to stay connected. I have a 101 news feeds that spam me every day from around the world - I also have double that in blogs I follow to increase my awareness. It’s a duty of everyone to be informed, I think - there really are few excuses for ignorance in this day and age.
The gay blogs have been very good at reporting this horrendous law and responses. Or lack therof - Catholic church, English Anglican church, I’m looking at you, homophobes. You can‘t even condemn a law to slaughter us?! Tweedle Phobe and Tweedle Bigot are happy for their churches to push this law and say nothing in opposition? Then people wonder why we look at the Anglican and Catholic churches as utterly evil, bigoted organisations? Oh and Obama - WHY does the US have no stance on this bloody law? Go go fierce advocate!
The blogs also cover the history behind it, including the many WESTERN churches, religious figures and pro-hate activists that have been involved (Rick Warren, that would be you, bastard). Box Turtle Bulletin in particular has done an amazing job of documenting this and keeping us updated - follow the dated links at the bottom of the page
The news feeds? *crickets* Maybe the odd throw-away line. One short article of one MPs PROPOSAL (never mind the actual law and progress) thank you BBC. Or a couple of nods (Guardian, Independent). The Daily Mail & Telegraph mention it in passing - but as how it makes things awkward for Brown (somehow).
I actually had to look for even these snippets - because they weren’t high on the feeds or in the papers. Watching the news on TV or Teletext will convince you it’s not even happening. The more I read my news feeds, the more I see it mentioned vaguely in passing - if at all. Frankly, I’ve seen better cover from American news sources - and precious little from most of them ( a nod to Rachel Maddow).
Compare that to the Swiss Minaret ban - a deeply disgusting and bigoted law, to be sure - and you have not just column inches - but column acres being written to condemn this bigotry. And rightly so - the Swiss minaret ban is nothing short of blatant religious bigotry. The fact that there isn’t even a great demand in Switzerland for new minarets shows this law for what it is - a message bigotry from the people of Switzerland against a marginalised body. it’s a symbolic gesture of hatred.
It is disgusting and worth every column inch and every expression of outrage - in fact, it could have done with a damn site more attention (though it is still in the news feeds now).
But surely a bill to IMPRISON and EXECUTE a marginalised group and anyone who speaks for them is worth as much attention? Having gay sex carries a LIFE IMPRISONMENT. Having gay sex multiple times is enough to be executed under this bill. And anyone who defends us, supports us OR DOESN’T REPORT US, can go to prison for up to 3 years. Someone from Uganda who leaves the country and has gay sex ELSEWHERE, will be sought for extradition.
Is it because it’s Africa? And Africa generally does receive previous little media attention. Is it because its homosexuals? After all there are already countries that kill us and torture us, what’s one more right?
This is a proposed genocide against homosexuals. Where’s the outrage? Where’s the fury? How can ANYONE be neutral on this? How can they have no position on this? Why isn’t the press screaming blue murder? Why aren’t more nations following in Sweden’s footsteps and cutting aid - hells, cutting ties and condemning them in no uncertain terms?
The silence is telling |
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| The world conspires to keep me angry |
[Dec. 3rd, 2009|12:17 pm] |
First of all it seems Cardinal Javier Lozano Barragan of our good old hate organisation, the Catholic church, would like us to know that Homosexuals and trans people will not enter the kingdom of god. Oh and that homosexuality is a choice - never mind what science, homosexuals and pesky facts say. Don't let reality get in the way of a good hating! But what did I expect from a church that remains silent on the Ugandan 'kill gays' law (but then, so does Rowan Williams of the Anglican church - and both churches are architects behind it. Oh feel the Christian love!)
What, is there some kind of hate quota the Catholic church has to meet by 2010? Or is the amount of hate they throw at us proportional to how many people discover their systematic abuse of helpless children?
Guess, what Cardinal? I don't want to go into your kingdom of heaven. Because if your deity hates me for existing and not being lonely and in pain then screw him. He's not worth knowing and I wouldn't want to spend a second in that demon's presence - let alone a monotonous eternity at his hateful feet.
And if your deity would reject me, but accept your fellows who have been covering up child abuse around the globe then I don't see why any decent person would want to go to his 'kingdom'. Because if that's the case - your god is evil. End of.
And in other news, New York has voted down homosexual marriages. Yet another jurisdiction has had a vote on our basic human rights and decided we don't deserve any. Yet another jurisdiction has declared itself against homosexuals, declared that homosexuals are worth less, are not full people, are not due full rights. Another jurisdiction has declared that we are 2nd class people with less value, respect and regard as heterosexuals.
And then the hate crime statistics go up and they wonder why? When so many powers are yelling that gays aren't real people worthy of real rights and that discrimination and prejudice against gay people is ok and should be enshrined into law? What do you expect to happen?!
You can't tell people that bigotry against homosexuals is wrong and then turn round and write bigotry against us into your law books. And every single discriminatory law that puts us down and shows us as less encourages the violent haters with blood on their hands. |
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